


Broken

by Livdonna



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Rollercoaster, PTSD, Projection, Sadness, Why do I Write This Shit, i have no life, jesse didn’t deserve this shit, mental health, protect Jesse, self destructive, self sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: Laughing makes it better.  Laughing hides the pain.  Pretend it doesn’t bother you when you know with all of your heart and soul that this is absolutely crushing.  This hurts like fucking hell, but she won’t see that.  She can’t.  She’s not allowed to.





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So I don’t even know why I’m posting this on here when this was literally me projecting my emotions onto poor Jesse who already had so much shit thrown at him but HERE I AM!!! I played around with his unstable home background and relationship with his mom but also used my personal experiences with ptsd and depression.... sooooo I hope you like it. It’s kinda sad, because apparently I only write sad shit LMAO I can’t help it...
> 
> Enjoy I guess ???
> 
> Leave a comment if you like it????
> 
> IDK ok I’ll stop now!

“Well... I don’t like.... you!”  
  
The stare in her eyes was like poison. If you looked too close, you would be frozen. The words that came out of her lips were even worse.  
  
“Well... you know what? I don’t want you here.”  
  
Cold. Harsh. Like icicles hanging off the roof during the winter. That’s how it sounded. That’s how rough her words were.  
  
_But, we’re trying to stay safe right? Protection means anger. You don’t get hurt if you’re angry. Sarcastic shield: on_.  
  
Through a self deprecating laugh and snarl, the words slipped right out of his quivering mouth.  
  
“Wow! No fucking shit!”  
  
Tell me something I don’t know!  
  
_Laughing makes it better. Laughing hides the pain. Pretend it doesn’t bother you when you know with all of your heart and soul that this is absolutely crushing. This hurts like fucking hell, but she won’t see that. She can’t. She’s not allowed to._  
  
“Then, get out. Leave.”  
  
“Okay, fine!”  
  
“Leave! You don’t wanna be here? Get out.”  
  
“It’s fine! I would rather live out in the fucking bushes!”  
  
He couldn’t tell if he wanted to laugh or cry more. Or scream. All these toxic emotions were hitting him at once and he didn’t know how to handle them. On an impulse, seeing that his mother wasn’t leaving his room; he screamed.  
  
“Get out.”  
  
She just stared at him with her toxic eyes. Glaring. Silent treatment. Nothing. He knew if he didn’t run away or get her away, he was in deep shit... so he tried again, but this time louder.  
  
“Get the fuck away from me!”  
  
It was like he just sAw a different being in front of him that wasn’t his mom. All the pain and hurt that he felt inside was coming out as blood curdling anger. He felt like a time bomb. He didn’t know when the hell he was gonna explode, but it sure as hell was about to happen... soon.  
  
Without thinking, he screamed again, this time running to his door and slamming it shut.  
  
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”  
  
Before he could say anything else, he felt his door being pushed back open, and to his horror, her face was peeking out.  
  
“Don’t you dare slam that door again!”  
  
Her booming anger sent him right back into fight mode. Fight, flight, escape? They all seemed to blend together. All that mattered was safety at this point, and he would do anything to get there.  
  
With all of the force and strength he possessed, he attempted to push the door back shut, screaming.  
  
“NO!”  
  
He thought he was strong enough, he thought so, until he realized that his mom was actually stronger than he was and wouldn’t let the door close.  
  
Second by second, the anger was beginning to peel away, and to his horror, he felt wet salty tears begin to drip down his face.  
  
UNSAFE.  
VULNERABLE.  
  
_FUCK._  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  
  
“LET ME CLOSE IT!”  
  
“NO! DON’T YOU DARE SLAM THIS DOOR AGAIN!”  
  
Through hysterical sobs, salty tears, and snot, he finally succeeded in closing the door and locking himself back in his “safety” net.  
  
He just stood by the door, and felt like he needed to guard it. Quivering, arms crossed, head down, tears and snot dripping down his face, he stood still. Frozen.  
  
All he felt in that moment was pain. It felt like his heart was cut open and raw grotesque blood and emotion was pouring out of it, never ending, never stopping.  
  
_You really are a worthless piece of shit. Your own mother doesn’t even love you. How could anyone else love you? How are you supposed to love yourself? Maybe if you died it would be better for everyone.... make all their lives easier._  
  
Just when he thought he couldn’t feel any worse, he could overhear his mother’s toxic words being engrained in his brothers poor brain.  
  
“He couldn’t live with his dad, he couldn’t live with Victoria, he couldn’t live in the group home, then there was that girl Stacie. See the common denominator here? It’s him. No one can handle living with him.”  
  
_Yeah, I know. What a fucking piece of shit I am. I get it, ok? I fucking get it! No need to rub it in even more than it’s already been. I’m not stupid; I know how fucked up I am and I know how no one wants me around. Just shut up already._  
  
Still standing huddled in the middle of his trashed room, he licked a few salty tears off of his lips and contemplated calling someone... actually reaching out. When’s the last time that happened? He couldn’t figure out an answer.  
  
He felt so.... alone.  
  
Sniffling and crying, he scrolled through his contacts on his phone, just to be reminded of how many people he had pushed away or lost over the years of him being a self destructing walking disaster. That just made the tears fall harder, and the urges to self destruct higher and more intense.  
  
But... he fought them and continued looking, knowing at least 3 people he could try to call... just to talk. Just to cry to. Just so he knew he would have someone on the other end listening... validating... telling him he wasn’t crazy. He just needed to hear these things. His whole life has been full of manipulation and mind games, that seeking reassurance felt weirdly comforting in a way... his own perception of things seemed skewed and he wasn’t sure if he could fully trust himself with anything.  
  
Hell. He couldn’t trust himself to take care of himself.  
  
He couldn’t trust himself to not do something destructive that he would soon regret.  
  
He needed someone... he needed it now, and as hard as it was to admit that, he knew in his heart that it was true.  
  
Ring.... ring.... ring...  
  
Voicemail.  
  
_Well, no shit._  
  
Ring... ring.... ring...  
  
Voicemail.  
  
_Why are you even bothering, you piece of shit. Just stop wasting your time already. You know no one is gonna answer._  
  
Ring... ring.... ring...  
  
Voicemail.  
  
The self deprecating thoughts only got louder and more intense as the rings and voicemail messages went on... the more time passed, the more alone he felt.  
  
The tears started coming back. He was shaking again.  
  
Alone.  
Alone.  
Alone.  
  
_Fuck_.  
  
A beeping snapped him out of his trance, and he saw a text from one of his friends.  
  
“Hey, I’m at work what’s up?”  
  
He just stared at it, blankly, almost numb. He didn’t answer it.  
  
_You know, just push them away... idiot. You just tried to reach out to them because you were so desperate and now you’re ignoring them... you’re such a fuck up! Why do you do this shit?!_  
  
SELF SABOTAGE  
  
“You ok???”  
  
_No I’m not okay, but I really don’t want you to know that because I hate having other people see me like this because it would hurt you and if you’re hurt then I’m hurting and feel even worse about myself than I already do but you can’t know that so I’m just gonna pretend you didn’t even text me at all._  
  
“Jesse?”

**Author's Note:**

> Wtf am I even doing with my life rn
> 
> PLS KEEP ME FROM WRITING ANY MORE SHIT


End file.
